I write because in writing, I can pursue all the tiny nooks of my character that I never knew existed, or which existence I previously denied. It helps me clean out all the unpleasantness that I encounter not only within myself, but in others day to day.

It shows me where my lens is directed and what color it's tinted, which filter I’m using. Its all part of an attempt to try to maintain some sort of equilibrium, because if the water's too shallow, I’m not getting wet, and if it's too deep, I may sink and have to grow gills. Treading strenuously in the middle, I am able to rationalize my fears and desires into normalcy, where I can either fight them or adapt to them.

Who am I kidding, I write to be praised and enhance my sense of self-worth. Knowing that writing is something I’m good at, I can't just let try to let it come out in a vacuum, to then be judged. “Just read it and tell me what you think, but remember it’s just a rough draft and I didn’t put that much time into it.” What kind of a person does this? A person with low self-esteem, who requires constant assurance of their abilities?

Sometimes I write to feel self-righteous and then feel shitty about feeling self-righteous. This is sort of like itching a mosquito bite; it feels good while it's happening but two minutes later your arm is red and bleeding and you feel like an idiot. In spite of the feelings of shame, writing to feel self-righteous is good for me. It reminds me where I stand, why I live the way I live, and why I should continue to.

Speaking of self-righteousness, I write to fight the English language’s spiral into “LOL”s, “BRB”s, emoticons and all the insipid, abbreviated nonsense that dilutes meaningful expression. Alright, I’ll stop there, but it did feel good.

I write to say that I don’t care when I really do. I wear a shroud of sarcasm and irony when I need it and cast it off to show everyone that I wasn’t even underneath, to begin with. I write to show myself that I need to start owning the things I do and say even more, and when I take responsibility, not to do it in some roundabout, self-concealing manner.

Whenever I’m writing music, I have to write on paper. It has to exist in the three-dimensional realm, un-pixelated or gigabyted. In this way, I ensure that even if it fails to have musical or emotional integrity, it’s still something I will have to crumple or rip up when I’m done with. I can’t just push a button and let it vanish into the ether. I have to burn it into a mass of smoldering carbon and crush it under my dirty bare foot. However, the more music I write, the less I feel like I have burn it and crush it underfoot. I am slowly becoming more comfortable with exposing what’s inside, braving scoffs, criticism, rejection, and it feels good. I am becoming comfortable with the idea that what I create is always going to be derivative of something else, because in essence we are our influences, just shifted a little bit. I guess this means I write to become acclimated to my own skin, or maybe that’s just a product rather than a conscious goal.

To try to make the material immaterial, and the immaterial material… this is why I write.